Harry Potter and the Deadly Halitosis
by Dixie50
Summary: Severus Snape, on the run after Book 7, arrives in Hollywood and gets a job as Kitchen Hand for the perky and annoying TV Food Show Hostess Rachael Rabid. Hilarity soon follows.
1. Chapter 1

Harry Potter and the Deadly Halitosis

Chapter 1.

Severus Snape was skulking around Hollywood as it was too hot for him in the UK. He had killed Albus Dumbledore the greatest wizard of the time. Everyone wanted him dead. His weird clothes made him fit right in with the local muggles on Hollywood Boulevard and like them he had no money. He desperately needed some cash to set up a crack lab to make some profits, so picked up a newspaper out of a bin.

"Hmmmmm kitchenhand wanted... I can do that !"

He attended an interview at a television studio, and made the 1st cut because he had clean hands and clothes. Then he faced an Interview Panel consisting of 3 geeky Americans. Their first inane question was "So tell us the Severus Smith story..."

He snapped back " My past is my OWN business" then quickly added " but cooking is my life ... I can teach you how to bewitch the mind and ensnare the senses. I can tell you how to bottle fame, brew glory, and even put a stopper in death..."

The perkiest and vilest of the interviewers who had introduced herself as Rachael Rabid" said "Oh I just lurve your British accent!" Snape's eyes narrowed as he examined the creature. She was about 5ft 3.. big wide mouth that she talked out the side of, far too may teeth. Snape worked out that she must be in charge as she dominated the conversation while waving her hands around like a demented elf. After talking about herself and someone called John for 30 minutes she decided to give him a chance to follow one of her recipes.

He went to the studio kitchen and found a list of ingredients which were:

1 rotisserie chicken or 1-1 1/2 pounds leftover roast turkey meat  
3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil (EVOO)  
1 large onion  
2-3 garlic cloves  
1 jalapeño pepper  
1 round tablespoon chili powder  
2 teaspoons ground cumin  
1 16-ounce jar tomatillo salsa  
1 beer, any brand you like  
1 quart chicken stock  
4 handfuls tortilla chips  
1 handful cilantro leaves  
2 limes

"Merlin's balls !" thought Snape this is WORSE than any poison that I ever cooked for Lord Voldemort. He carefully put the ingredients together to produce a monstrosity called "Green Means Go". She tasted it and said it was "Yum-o !". The evil creature insisted that he eat some too, and put a whole bowl filled to the brim in front of him. Bravely he swallowed the concoction. How he ever managed to chew and swallow this abomination, he would never know. She thought he was smiling, but it was a grimace caused by gas. "Sphincter! Don't fail me now !" he begged to his suffering body as he took his leave having secured the job as "kitchen hand" on the Rachel Rabid Show.

He found the nearest alleyway and was violently ill. Dogs ran away whimpering when the diarrhea hit with a vengeance. Weakly he used his wand to clean himself and the mess up. Snape had just got his pants up when some thugs entered the alley and accosted him for his wallet. He was leaning against the wall, holding his stomach and was too weak to go for his wand. "Please" he pleaded "I am very ill".

They laughed cruelly as they got closer. Suddenly he belched and a green fog left his mouth. The two thugs gasped and dropped down DEAD.

Severus Snape had the Deadly Halitosis ... and he was not afraid to use it.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 of Harry Potter and the Deadly Halitosis

Snape wiped his forehead and examined the bodies. Their skin had turned green and their dead eyes bulged in frozen terror. He helped himself to their wallets which were stuffed with cash. Next he transfigured the 2 bodies into Big Mac containers and tossed them into a trash can.

"I must learn her secrets" he said to himself as he found himself a nice room for the night. Poor Snape spent most of the night sitting on the nice toilet and holding a bucket to throw up in. He carefully took samples to examine when he felt better. At 2am he took a shower and crawled off to bed and dreamed of revenge. At 8am he got up, dressed in his frock coat and walked to Rabid's studio, glaring at the other freaks on the way.

His first job of the day was to cut up vegetables. They scoffed when he washed his hands. The Rabid brand knives were blunt and cheap and filthy. When no one was looking he got out a his big potions knife from his coat and precisely diced everything into quarter inch squares. He noticed a creepy man, known as Brokeback, staring at him so he glared back menacingly. The man blushed and smiled.

"Impertinence !"thought Snape as he continued dicing his way through a mound of vegetables, and wondering what evil concoction Rachael Rabid would prepare today.

An hour later Snape went to the Men's Room and was blissfully taking a pee. The door creaked open and Brokeback stood next to him. Close. Snape moved to his right. So did the man...  
"Careful Sir I might splash your boots if you stand so close"  
Brokeback replies "Oh but I want you to, Stud !"

Snape lost his temper and screamed a tirade "Why you filthy, degenerate pond scum.!!!! How dare you address me, you lowlife.!!!" He rapidly fumbled doing up the 27 buttons on his fly while continuing his tirade.

Unfortunately as Snape got more and more agitated, spittle formed in his mouth, and flew everywhere, hitting Brokeback in the face. Brokeback , a spit-ho ,was in ecstasy and asked. "Sir, are you a Master"

"Of course I am a Master, you twit !!! A Potions Master ! "

Brokeback started peeling off his clothes "Whip me ! Beat me ! Call me Susan ! "

Snape got his wand out and yelled "Petrificus Totalis!" Brokeback froze and pitched forward, but Snape yanked him backwards as he finally realized that the idiot would actually have enjoyed falling into a Urinal. He stood over Brokeback and cast another spell. "You will remember nothing of this. You will get all your wife's secret parchments of her wicked recipes and give them to me!"

He walked towards the door and cast "Ennervate", leaving a bewildered and half naked Brokeback sitting in a daze. As this was his normal state, nobody noticed….


End file.
